A shameful admission

May 28, 2012 § 13 Comments

Sometimes I feel like an exceedingly weak person, that I couldn’t just suppress who I actually am and further my career by pretending to be a cis woman.


Fucked up, isn’t it, the way cissexism turns us upside down?


Anyone else?


§ 13 Responses to A shameful admission

  • Nat R says:

    Its that internalising-your-culture thing, bit of a bastard to get out of one’s system, and when it comes to the likes of (eg.) sexism or transphobia, its always ready to hit a person when already they’re down…
    Hugs. Think of the transgender hulk, smashing the symbolic.

    • cnlester says:

      You know how much the transgender hulk pleases me 😉

      Urgh – it’s just that unbearable element of feeling yourself and yourself at odds because of other people’s fuckedupness. And then you stop and think of all the brilliant and beautiful minds and bodies pressed down and disregarded and written out of existence because some people think that white/straight/cis/male/able-bodied/rich is the only way to be in this world.

      Which I guess brings us back to smashing…

  • WmCaylee says:

    It’s like how I feel guilty that I can’t just “pick one” and be either a man or a woman or that I’m being rude when I insist on gender neutral pronouns. When your existence breaks social rules, I think it’s easy to start wondering if those rules are there for a good reason and if you were just a better person maybe you’d deal with your “weirdness” without making a fuss for everyone else.

    I mean, of course, that’s all garbage but I know it never leaves the back of my mind.

    • cnlester says:

      Rubbish, isn’t it?

      I feel somewhat guilty, because it’s not even about feeling ‘maybe I should conform to make life more bearable’ – it’s ‘why couldn’t I have conformed to have gotten ahead?’ – boundless ambition, we meet again.

      • Jiontari says:

        I feel similarly sometimes (about the getting ahead/ life being easier with the benefit of cis privilege part). Pre-transition I was working towards a career in the domestic abuse field, where my options have become rather more limited now that I’m living as a man. Sometimes I feel pissed off about the doors that have closed and the negative male stereotypes I now have projected on to me, by some of the people I used to work alongside. But I also feel thankful for other doors that have opened as a result of my transition. I knew it was going to be a trade-off before I came out – but it’s a shame how much many of us have to give up, in order to live our lives as ourselves.

  • J McK says:

    I call bollocks. A life spent hiding in a lie is a life not lived.

  • Tam says:

    Furthering a career while suppressing who you are probably wouldn’t be very satisfying. Cold comfort.

  • Leah says:

    I feel that you are very strong, because you took a lot of risks to be true to yourself.

  • Amy W says:

    I’ve really tussled with this, professionally and personally, and finally come to the realisation that quality will out. If you have something that makes people sit down and listen, nobody gives a damn about who you are. I’ve tried for years to excuse my lack of success with ‘If only I was a man’, ‘If only I was a mezzo’, ‘if only I was better looking’ etc., but in the end… Lucky orch players get to auditions behind screens, but we have no such luxury.

    • cnlester says:

      Afraid to say I can’t agree – if you have something that makes people sit down and listen but they don’t like who you are they tend to say “we love the voice/love the charisma/love the performance – but you’re too unusual to book”. Again and again.

      I wouldn’t mind auditioning behind a screen…

      • cnlester says:

        Just have to hope and pray that there are enough open-minded people in the industry that, eventually, quality will out. But if I’m still slamming my head against a brick wall at the age of 30 I’m starting a cult. You heard it here first.

  • Shea says:

    This so much. I often feel like I’m a failed girl, and then that my queer-ass, makeup loving self is failing at being properly trans too. It’s such bullshit in either direction, but we’re all drinking the same cultural kool-aid to some extent, whether we want to be or not.

    • Sasha says:

      I feel you. Especially about the properly trans bit. I have dreams in which makeup is awesome and I wake up frightened that maybe I actually want to be a girl. Though I suppose if I was the idea of wanting to be one wouldn’t fill me with fear and revulsion… Still. Weirdass stuff, this.

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